a former coworker died at age 34

This morning as I was getting ready for work, shuffling through my dirty clothes to find the least dirty, my former friend and former coworker was dying.
The best word to describe the way I am feeling right now is wierd. We were the same age and didnt I just talk to him a couple of weeks ago.

I think that when I spoke to him he knew he was dying. He told me that he had been in the hospital and that he had had heart failure and a stroke. Honesty wasnt something that he subscribed too on a regular basis (and he told me that himself a while back "Lying is often neccessary when it gets you what you want") so I didnt completely believe him or did I. While we were talking, I was mulling over my GRE scores. Before we got off the phone I said "Ill call you later to check on you", but I never could bring myself to do it.

It was because we were "work buddies" and I guess I didnt really want to continue our friendship after I left that job. Some of the things that he did, and I wont go into them here of course, I just didnt agree with and I really didnt want to be friends anymore.

And on some level, I guess I ignored his illness because I didnt really want to deal with it if it were true, since we werent really friends anymore at least on my part.

Now I stand here feeling wierd. And as a writer, we do not use over used words like wierd, but that is the best way to describe it. Those five letter words express the fact that I am scared of this big black whole called death, fearful of a God who could sentence me to the firey pits of hell, thankful that I am still here living above ground, thankful for my family and friends, scared to close my eyes because I dont want to dream about him, reallizing that somethings that I thought were big yesterday are not so big, longing for a man to hold me and make me feel safe, wondering how long it will take for this wierdness to go away...

It's late and I am scared. I really wish I had someone to hold me tonight. On nights like tonight when the world has shifted or trembled--my queen sized bed is as wide and deep as the ocean and I could get lost in it. If I had someone to hold me, I know Id be okay, and I wonder if Ill ever have that...

I feel like I should say something profound, but....
Here is something profound though you might not recognize it has profound: Death is wierd. I am scared. I want someone to hold me. Good Night?